Warper News Network - August 2017
by yoshi3000
Summary: In the multiverse, there are many possibilities. How about one where most of Dragon Ball cast are newscasters? Wait what? A bit of a crack fic to set some things for Project Blackthorn. Rated T for suggestive humor.


**A/N: The following is a parody and a fanfiction. I own only my characters and the plot. I also don't apologize for the following political jokes, but I will apologize if any other joke offends you.**

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 **The Warper News Network**

 **August Edition**

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 **(Cues: Z-TV Techno Song)**

The logo flashes with three letters, "WNN", the Warper News Network. WNN is one of the three major news networks.

 _"WNN, the place that's not Fox and more classy than Nude News Network. Introducing your favorite anchors, God of Destruction Beerus and his much cooler assistant, Whis." The announcer said as the lights shine on the set._

 _Beerus and Whis were in matching suits instead of their usual wear._

"Good day or night to all you mortals, today we have a packed news day." Beerus said organizing his papers.

Beerus didn't really read those papers and had no idea of the real news. Beerus was idly drinking his coffee.

"That's right. Famed and feared leader of the Frost Clan, Elvin Frost, had recently been completely killed by rising 10th level warper, Ryker Olivia Blackthorn. This makes the second member of the Frost royal family to be offed after Leo thanks to Kenji Blackthorn's hands." Whis said.

An image of Elvin Frost appeared in the upper right hand shoulder. He was choking some poor bastard. Beerus spat out his coffee in shock.

"But…Elvin had a bounty of 1.5 billion!" Beerus said expiated. "And wasn't he until the Order of Reality's protection?"

Whis ignored Beerus and moved on with images of the Warper Tribunal.

"Elvin Frost was the leader of the Warper Tribunal monitoring the worlds under the Cartoon Network Cluster, but in recent times, was under fire of rumors of sexual abuse and unethical behavior." Whis stated to audience. "That all came to light as Ryker began his swath of destruction through the Tribunal."

Beerus was watching Season 3 of Steven Universe Blackthorned on a streaming website and looking rather pleased.

"That destruction was delicious." Beerus said.

"Either way, due to Elvin being slain, Ryker's bounty had increased drastically up to 80,200,000. This makes Ryker as of now, the highest second generation warper to make a bounty close to one billion. Among 10th level warpers, this put him as second place. In other news, businessman Rick "Merch" Merkowski had a new lady in his life who's also his protégé." Whis remarked.

An image of Beth Smith (Sanchez) was on the screen with the words, "Bounty Frozen".

"Due to this, the Order of Reality promptly froze her bounty of 300,000. On the flip side, a bounty for Jerry Smith of C-137AU2 has been issues by the Order and increased by Merch. Jerry Smith is currently the last living member of Elvin's Warper Tribunal." Whis remarked. "We now go to the Weather with Bulma and Android 18."

The camera cuts to them idly doing their makeup. As the cameraman screamed out they're live, they toss the makeup and ready themselves.

 **(Cues: Dragonball Z Budokai Tenkaichi 3: Innocent World)**

"Hello everyone, I'm Bulma." Bulma said sweetly.

"And I'm Lazuli, and here's today's weather." 18 said as the weather patterns were shown on-screen.

"This week is going to be a major cold one for the warper planets in the Gaia galaxy with temperatures below 40 so ensure yourselves that your bundled up. As for the Smash worlds, a major heat wave is coming in due to the amount of Pokémon abusing Sunny Day." Bulma said as 18 looked on rather bored.

"And here's Sergeant Krillin with the crime and bounty reports." 18 said dreamily.

 **(Music Ends)**

She loved to see her husband in uniform. Major kink for her. Bulma had to stop 18 from drooling and looking flushed. The camera shifted to Krillin in his police officer's uniform (yet bald) standing in front a wall with a large screen.

"Good day, everyone, and here's your bounty reports. As it had for a long time now, the most wanted warper pair is Akira and Genevieve still sitting under their bounty of 8,427,000,000 billion. Wanted on "charges" of exposing corruption with the Order of Reality, obtaining above-average power levels, defying the impossible every day, the list goes on. Let's skip to the top five most wanted." Krillin stated. "In descending order for dramatic effect."

The screen lit up showing five wanted posters.

"#5. **Fusion Fighter** Garnet Stones, at 48 million, wanted for association with the Blackthorn clan and being co-leader to the Crystal Squadron. #4. **Amoral Ace** Jōshō Shadow Blackthorn, at 50 million, wanted for many murders, sealing and destroy a god of Death, more murder, destroying an universe, illegal sex trafficking, and being the first villainous 10th level warper. What a character. At #3, we have **Pervert Pirate Queen** Cherie Rose Loveless at 70 million. She's wanted for sex trafficking, association with the Blackthorn Clan, exposing Order secrets, acts of perversion, more acts of perversion, corrupting with perversion, public nudity, and making an One Piece world a slightly better place. #2, the **Rebellion Ravager** Rose Quartz at 75 million. She's wanted for being a direct spawn of the Ryker's mind, Co-Commander of the Crystal Squadron, defying her universe's natural rules, and association with the Blackthorn clan. And at #1, **Gemslayer Black** Ryker Olivia Blackthorn. The only Akira son to get past 50 million. He's wanted for…it doesn't really matter; don't even try to hunt any of them down for the reward. Unless you're stupid, suicidal, or both. Here's Arale, filling in Yamcha, for some updates on what's to come." Krillin said as the cameraman cuts over to Arale.

Arale's in her adult form and in a pantsuit. She still had her hat and glasses thought.

"Hiyo! Arale here, and I'm filling in for Yamcha while he's….out sick." Arale said excitedly. "Here's what's to come. Fans have been clamoring for a new Jōshō or Kenji story, and the people at Studio Kuro are considering having a combined story for the both to prepare for the big event in Steven Universe Blackthorned Season 4." Arale said.

Before Arale could speak, the screen went on with a mysterious masked girl on it.

 **"One, two, he's coming for the gem.**

 **Three, four, better guard your back.**

 **Five, six, grab her shield.**

 **Seven, eight, people gonna die.**

 **Nine, ten, watch your back..."**

The screen goes to static and Arale is unfazed.

"Well that's it for updates, I'm Arale for the Warper News Network. Remember, nothing's real and this is so fricking meta. Good night, everybody!" Arale say as the broadcast cuts out.

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(A/N: A meta little short I made for fun. It's semi-canon, but don't take it too seriously. I would to thank all of my readers, fans, and my friends. You all made this possible. Let us warp hard!)


End file.
